11:05 P.M. or Ode to Houston

Dear Houston and surrounding areas,

Its not you, it's me.
The years we spent together were…nice.
But I have reached a point in my life
Where you no longer satisfy me
Not that you ever really did.
Ok, actually it is you.

But it wasn't until now
That I’ve had the strength to truly
Sever all ties and bid you and your citizenry
Good Riddance!

As if your souring summer temperatures weren't enough
To label you as the breeze-deprived tyrant you are
You insist on bathing your inhabitants
In a cloak of a disgusting, sticky
Cocktail of sweat and atmospheric moisture
And I have oily skin.
Thus, any attempts of mine to enhance
My level of attractiveness to the opposite sex
Are thwarted by your wet and wily ways
Leaving my face shiny and my hair flat.

(No one wants to date an oily-faced girl with bad hair.)

I just don't like who I am when I'm in you, Houston.
I am cranky
And bloated
And usually pissed off
Due in no small part to the fact that
One must drive
At least half an hour to get anywhere within the
Sprawling metropolis of concrete and run-down buildings
That you call a city
And I do mean drive
Because lets be honest,
Your public transportation system is about as effective
As the Bush administrations foreign policy
And don’t you try to being the metro lite rail in to this
Because we all know that it’s bullshit.

And because your idea of public transportation
Leaves so much to be desired
Every other inhabitant must also drive at least half an hour to get anywhere as well!
Leaving your highways crowded and constantly bumper to bumper
With people who should have NEVER been issued a license

Cause, you see, last time I took defensive driving
A red light
Was not a suggestion.

And driving slower
Does not mean you are driving safer,
Lady who has slowed down to under 10 to make a right hand turn into a walmart
In the middle of a highway with a speed limit of 60.
A turning lane has been provided
For a reason.

And look, Houston,
I know you have your weight problems
But, seriously, must you all drive around in
Yukons and Expeditions and Escalades and
… H3s?
I know most of you guys are involved
In the highway-robbery that is the oil business anyway
But do you have to be such a jack asses about it?
Its bad enough that you are a town filled with people
Who think Ann Coulter shouldn't have her own bullshit
Forcibly inserted back up her hypocritical and not at all virginal ass,
But could you at least respect the fact that some of us
Would like to preserve a little piece of the only rock known
That can sustain human life?

Ok, look, all I am saying, is don't be surprised if I don't come around
Very often anymore, ok?
I think I've made our differences clear.
Namely, you're a soul-sucking jerk and I want out.
So please, don't try to contact me.
I'll be back for my stuff later.