In a state of apple pie grace
Where pleases are pretty and come covered in sprinkles with a cherry on top
For some reason sorry was broken
No matter how strongly you felt it,
‘I’m sorry’ was never good enough.
Cause, see, sorry is never good enough when the guilt is misplaced.
When you removed it from yourself and etched it on to my chest
In big Scarlet letters with your eyes
A little girl doesn’t understand that you are the sorry one.
All she understands is “something is wrong with me.”
She learns to be shameful.
This blessed creature that wears existence like sunbeams that radiate through her skin
Like how we wore bathing suits when we were 5- all day long and often all night too, just in case the chance to go swimming arises unexpectedly-
Like unabashed joy pulsing through her with each ba-bom of her tiny little heart which is ironically about the size of her tiny little clenched fist
Like she was of something divine and her presence here was reason enough to wear her existence like the crown of jewels it was.
This creature dims a little.
She begins to question her crown.
She questions her divine nature.
She decides that she doesn’t deserve the divine.
She decides she is unworthy of her provenance. So she denies it.
And once that concession is made, she has got a whole new slew of dragons to slay in her kingdom.
See now she has to earn her worth.
And once her value is outsourced, it will never be enough.
Thinking it’s normal to reassign responsibility
She learns how to etch things on to other people’s skin
Things that they don’t deserve.
Things like “How you feel about me dictates how I feel about me”
Like “all of your opinions are right”
Like “my value is determined by you”
She grows up-
Her body finally matures to match the adult mind she has had for years
Jumping from relationship to relationship
With a perverted idea of how love acts
Recreating the only circumstances she knows how to operate in
She can’t figure out why she is always sad.
But here is where the story gets good.
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Which is to say that is where I can't get past. I have no idea how to end this guy. Actually, after the outsourcing, I am not really comfortable with it. I can't figure it out. I have grown out of my past experiences and in light of that I have a particular direction I want to take it. But I have been holding on to this for a few weeks continually trying to get the end right to no avail. Which makes me think that I am missing a piece. There must be some experience or some...thing some piece I am missing before I can finish telling this story. So until then, this is all you get.
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