Sunday, April 29, 2007
never mind
I changed my mind. fuck my rules, I'm just going to post what I feel like postin when I feel like posting it. no more catch up. enjoy.
Friday, April 27, 2007
5:31 PM or Bottle Caps
I am really reluctant to post this because it is so raw and still just a bud of an idea. and I am kind of tired of all my postings being so similar. basically I jotted some thoughts down one day with the intention of coming back and working on it and I have yet to want to come back to it. but also, I was wanting to post stuff in the order it was written, so I can see if I am making progress. you are still getting caught up and aren't getting the stuff I am writing now and still won't be untill I get all the old stuff out here. apologies are given and suggestions, comments, ect are welcomed and dare I say solicited- as wlth all my posts.
I think it was somewhere between the secret looks and bottle caps
Or maybe it was between the private jokes and cigarette butts
But somewhere along the road that people travel to turn you and me into us
You lost respect for half of the equation and the process itself.
And if respect is the minimum of love, we were far from it.
Or at least you were.
I couldn’t see where it was because I was so bogged down in it.
So we limped along for weeks and weeks
I mean that is how you were measuring it, right?
By a collection of 7 short days at a time?
Our legs proving lame and our muscle control lacking to say the least
Me, confidant that these snags we kept hitting were minor because, after all, we were in this boat for a good while.
You picking at every snag making an anchor out of your doubts.
And it wasn’t until I stood naked in front of you and broke my own heart
By diving into the abyss
Choosing the unknown over the unwanted
That you finally and without reserve gave me back the respect that is my birth rite.
I think it was somewhere between the secret looks and bottle caps
Or maybe it was between the private jokes and cigarette butts
But somewhere along the road that people travel to turn you and me into us
You lost respect for half of the equation and the process itself.
And if respect is the minimum of love, we were far from it.
Or at least you were.
I couldn’t see where it was because I was so bogged down in it.
So we limped along for weeks and weeks
I mean that is how you were measuring it, right?
By a collection of 7 short days at a time?
Our legs proving lame and our muscle control lacking to say the least
Me, confidant that these snags we kept hitting were minor because, after all, we were in this boat for a good while.
You picking at every snag making an anchor out of your doubts.
And it wasn’t until I stood naked in front of you and broke my own heart
By diving into the abyss
Choosing the unknown over the unwanted
That you finally and without reserve gave me back the respect that is my birth rite.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
3:30 AM or Love Lightly
I don’t take the word love
Lightly
So please, stop treating it like feathers and recognize its weight.
See, love isn’t just some fluff meant for pop songs, primetime and poetry.
No, Love means I am up at 3:24 in the morning at the intersection of I’m-falling-for-you-too-fast and God-you-were-the-best-lay-I’ve-had-in-a-long-time counting blades of grass only to pause and look up every time I get to three to see if you are coming too.
(You’re not)
Love means my head is so filled to the brim with thoughts of you that suddenly and unexpectedly they far too frequently spill over the top and out of my mouth in to a world where love is no longer a sacred word.
And I can’t have my words put in that kind of danger.
Love means fuck, if I am going to regret it in the morning I have you now, I have you in this moment and seeing as that is all you are able to give, give it all and give it to me with all you’ve got, I mean damn, we’ve gotta make this one worth it because the price is to pick a scab that took too long to form in the firs place off an already poorly healed wound. And I
Am willing
To fucking
Pay.
Lightly
So please, stop treating it like feathers and recognize its weight.
See, love isn’t just some fluff meant for pop songs, primetime and poetry.
No, Love means I am up at 3:24 in the morning at the intersection of I’m-falling-for-you-too-fast and God-you-were-the-best-lay-I’ve-had-in-a-long-time counting blades of grass only to pause and look up every time I get to three to see if you are coming too.
(You’re not)
Love means my head is so filled to the brim with thoughts of you that suddenly and unexpectedly they far too frequently spill over the top and out of my mouth in to a world where love is no longer a sacred word.
And I can’t have my words put in that kind of danger.
Love means fuck, if I am going to regret it in the morning I have you now, I have you in this moment and seeing as that is all you are able to give, give it all and give it to me with all you’ve got, I mean damn, we’ve gotta make this one worth it because the price is to pick a scab that took too long to form in the firs place off an already poorly healed wound. And I
Am willing
To fucking
Pay.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
1:09 AM
You’re eyes widen and flutter, head shaking
Trying to find that island of awake that lives on the back of that giant sea turtle in the never-ending sea of sleep that is your life.
This is how I will remember you.
Talking in circles—no, that was me
Talking in tangents that dart back and forth and never come back around and meet up again, zig-zaging across and around the imaginary canvas of our conversation, sometimes crossing but never touching
This is how I will remember you.
Half awake but more asleep in the darkness of early morning's cacoon when in the joy at the sight of each other we couldn’t decide to celebrate by sleeping in or having sex, inevitably choosing the later to the dismay of our sleep-cycles
This is how I will remember you.
Trying way too hard to catch all the words from your lips and keep them all trapped inside my head at once so that I could re-align them perfectly again in my ever feeble attempts to comprehend what you are trying to express instead of just letting the feelings wash over me like waves in music -usurping my body with its rhythmic and elated relentlessness
This is how I will remember you.
Breaking away from my Gondry-esque dreams in the middle of the night realizing something has gone awry only to be comforted by the sensation of you coiling your arm around my waist and pulling me into you- our bodies fallowing the same winding curve of eachother, bringing my body back home and the universe back into its glorious ordered chaos
This is how I will remember you
The warning flashing in your eyes as I fell deeper and deeper into a world of fantastical love that you would not follow me into
This is how I will remember you.
50 years from now toasting to all those who I have loved before and still have a reserved seat for in a tiny, rarely seen corner of my heart with a beautiful view bearing your name
This is how I will remember you.
Trying to find that island of awake that lives on the back of that giant sea turtle in the never-ending sea of sleep that is your life.
This is how I will remember you.
Talking in circles—no, that was me
Talking in tangents that dart back and forth and never come back around and meet up again, zig-zaging across and around the imaginary canvas of our conversation, sometimes crossing but never touching
This is how I will remember you.
Half awake but more asleep in the darkness of early morning's cacoon when in the joy at the sight of each other we couldn’t decide to celebrate by sleeping in or having sex, inevitably choosing the later to the dismay of our sleep-cycles
This is how I will remember you.
Trying way too hard to catch all the words from your lips and keep them all trapped inside my head at once so that I could re-align them perfectly again in my ever feeble attempts to comprehend what you are trying to express instead of just letting the feelings wash over me like waves in music -usurping my body with its rhythmic and elated relentlessness
This is how I will remember you.
Breaking away from my Gondry-esque dreams in the middle of the night realizing something has gone awry only to be comforted by the sensation of you coiling your arm around my waist and pulling me into you- our bodies fallowing the same winding curve of eachother, bringing my body back home and the universe back into its glorious ordered chaos
This is how I will remember you
The warning flashing in your eyes as I fell deeper and deeper into a world of fantastical love that you would not follow me into
This is how I will remember you.
50 years from now toasting to all those who I have loved before and still have a reserved seat for in a tiny, rarely seen corner of my heart with a beautiful view bearing your name
This is how I will remember you.
Monday, April 23, 2007
1:29AM
My laugh becomes hollow
And I turn pale
Blindsided by what I saw coming
In slow motion it spirals towards me
And I stand my ground
Thinking steel and stone of mere flesh and bones
As the moment replays in that grandiose movie house in my head
(Always at in opportune times, of course)
My mind is robbed of any other thought
And wearily
Settles;
Staring at
This bleak
Reality
And I turn pale
Blindsided by what I saw coming
In slow motion it spirals towards me
And I stand my ground
Thinking steel and stone of mere flesh and bones
As the moment replays in that grandiose movie house in my head
(Always at in opportune times, of course)
My mind is robbed of any other thought
And wearily
Settles;
Staring at
This bleak
Reality
Saturday, April 21, 2007
12:00 AM
So many things thought and yet so few written.
Where does a sphere start?
The center?
Starting there one loses all context.
Any sense of magnitude is fucked.
The only other starting point would be any randomly chosen area.
So that’s where we’ll start.
Something similar to shock--but without the element of surprise. No, shock would be more like finding you father staring in a burlesque bearing his stage name (Pussycat Surprise); this is more like finding foundation damage in an old house. You didn’t know for sure but you knew there was a good chance. It is still altogether upsetting. You hope the foundation is as intact as the day it was built. But you know such is not the way of the world. The earth shifts and changes and to expect it to be constant is to allow oneself to be delusional.
Next area.
The unity of head and heart is essential here. One must open up all lines of communication so that messages may be sent to and fro freely without any judgment or censoring. To act in unity they must have access to whatever is happening in each. Then they may act as one whole rather than pieces.
Next.
What. The Fuck. Happened?! Were you asleep? Were you so nieve that you thought it would all go away? Oh no, let me guess, you thought that is would just work itself out, right? Because that has always been so successful in the past. Jesus. Where was you head? Either all that “unity of head and heart” crap was bullshit or your head got fuckin’ hijacked, sweetie.
And Then.
You know you were really pushy. I mean not Jewish mother pushy, but all the same. You pushed. There should always be balance, and you, my friend, did not maintain the balance. I mean you could try to maintain it now, but you know that isn’t what you REALLY want. What you really want is to feel the push back when you push. You do know that instead of testing out to see if there is a push back you are just pushing over the edge, right? Seriously, you don’t want to be a pushy person, why you be all actin like one? That’s not the you you really are. Heh. You you…
Oh, and
You know that there is no such thing as an unhappy ending. Worst case scenario; it hurts for awhile, and you move on. It happens all the time. You move on and spend some time single, I mean… it’s about time, right? You have been in relationships for just over two years now. And single life can be really fun; the excitement of what could be is a really beautiful thing. Who doesn’t like a random drunken make-out now and again, right?
But what if it just makes the two of you stronger? What if it is just a test that the relationship passes?!
Shut up.
And here.
Don’t jump too far ahead. Honestly, the present moment for humans is rarely longer than 2 minutes. And the longest “now” in the sense of “I am so into leggings right now” is only about two to three weeks. So try not to think about it too much right…now…and take solace in the fact that in two weeks, your situation will have changed and just about every emotion you are feeling now will change along with it.
Oh yeah, and
Breathe.
Where does a sphere start?
The center?
Starting there one loses all context.
Any sense of magnitude is fucked.
The only other starting point would be any randomly chosen area.
So that’s where we’ll start.
Something similar to shock--but without the element of surprise. No, shock would be more like finding you father staring in a burlesque bearing his stage name (Pussycat Surprise); this is more like finding foundation damage in an old house. You didn’t know for sure but you knew there was a good chance. It is still altogether upsetting. You hope the foundation is as intact as the day it was built. But you know such is not the way of the world. The earth shifts and changes and to expect it to be constant is to allow oneself to be delusional.
Next area.
The unity of head and heart is essential here. One must open up all lines of communication so that messages may be sent to and fro freely without any judgment or censoring. To act in unity they must have access to whatever is happening in each. Then they may act as one whole rather than pieces.
Next.
What. The Fuck. Happened?! Were you asleep? Were you so nieve that you thought it would all go away? Oh no, let me guess, you thought that is would just work itself out, right? Because that has always been so successful in the past. Jesus. Where was you head? Either all that “unity of head and heart” crap was bullshit or your head got fuckin’ hijacked, sweetie.
And Then.
You know you were really pushy. I mean not Jewish mother pushy, but all the same. You pushed. There should always be balance, and you, my friend, did not maintain the balance. I mean you could try to maintain it now, but you know that isn’t what you REALLY want. What you really want is to feel the push back when you push. You do know that instead of testing out to see if there is a push back you are just pushing over the edge, right? Seriously, you don’t want to be a pushy person, why you be all actin like one? That’s not the you you really are. Heh. You you…
Oh, and
You know that there is no such thing as an unhappy ending. Worst case scenario; it hurts for awhile, and you move on. It happens all the time. You move on and spend some time single, I mean… it’s about time, right? You have been in relationships for just over two years now. And single life can be really fun; the excitement of what could be is a really beautiful thing. Who doesn’t like a random drunken make-out now and again, right?
But what if it just makes the two of you stronger? What if it is just a test that the relationship passes?!
Shut up.
And here.
Don’t jump too far ahead. Honestly, the present moment for humans is rarely longer than 2 minutes. And the longest “now” in the sense of “I am so into leggings right now” is only about two to three weeks. So try not to think about it too much right…now…and take solace in the fact that in two weeks, your situation will have changed and just about every emotion you are feeling now will change along with it.
Oh yeah, and
Breathe.
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